Chapter 14

I know you stay true when my world is false,

Everything around’s breaking down to chaos.

I always see you when my sight is lost,

Everything around’s break down to chaos.

~Chaos - MUTEMATH

August 2007

I was smiling to myself as I briefly closed my thoughts from the havoc of the fire scene I was standing on and thought about the wonderful evening I had spent with Ryan.  He had just gotten back from his summer break in Michigan and he immediately stopped by the station and waited for me to get off work.  Of course my platoon was razzing the shit out of me for it this morning when I walked back in for my 2^nd day shift.  I was soon ripped from my happy thoughts, never to return to them.  

“Mayday. Mayday!” I heard being yelled across my radio as I stood on the pump panel of the Engine at a routine row home fire in the abandon section of the city.  “Firefighter down! Firefighter down!  I need the RIT team and paramedics on standby!” the distressed voice yelled again. (A/N: RIT Team stands for Rapid Intervention Team…there are fire fighters specifically put on stand-by at the scene to take care of any emergencies that might occur during the normal operations of extinguishing a fire.)

My heart leapt in my throat as I thought about which crew members of mine were possibly in the house.  This was one of the first fires that I was not in the building.  I was just trained in being a pump operator, which meant when Charlie or one of our other engine drivers was on vacation, I was now a driver.  Today was one of those days and of course today, I was stuck outside basically unable to help my fallen comrade.

I watched the RIT team deploy into the house and a few moments later they came running out of the smoky house with a firefighter on the flexible stretcher, arms dangling at the side and someone is administering oxygen via the bag valve mask.  I couldn’t get a good look of the firefighter because I was parked down a couple homes from the one they brought him out from.

“Not Good!” my brain screams, but my thoughts are interrupted by the interior crew screaming on the radio for more water.  I’m drawn back into the task at hand and my thoughts are back in work mode of the time being.

I’m listening to the chief’s orders when I feel a tap on my shoulder.  I turn and find one of the battalion chief’s standing next to me with a strange look on his face.  He looks like he’s going to lose his lunch.

“What’s wrong, Sam?” I yell over the roar of the engine.

He stares at me for a minute and then reaches out to grab Wagner as he walks past to change out his cylinder.  “Wagner, I’m putting you on the pump panel.”

“But, Sam, I’m supposed to go back in…”

“That’s an order, Wagner,” Sam barks at him.

Wagner and I look at each other and shrug our shoulders.  I help Wagner get his gear off and give him a quick report on what lines I have going.  I follow Sam over to the ambulance.

We stop by the side of the ambulance and Sam turns towards me again and put his hands on my shoulders.  “Emma, your dad had a heart attack on the 2^nd floor…”

My hands immediately went to cover my mouth as I screamed into them.  I just looked at Sam and knew that he did not make it.  One of the Medics came out from the back of the ambulance and took me over to one of the rehab chairs they had set up.

“Is there anyone you want me to call?” he asked politely.

I have no more family.  I’m all alone now.

I dug my phone out from my bunker gear and shakily found the only person that was truly my family.  It felt like it took an eternity for him to get there.  While I waited I sat and watched everyone run around, still trying to extinguish the flames that were still lapping out of the roof and windows.  However, everything looked like it was in slow motion and I felt like I was sitting in a movie theater all by myself, watching it all play out.

“Emma,” Patrick breathed as he kneeled down in front of me, causing me to focus on his sparkling brown eyes, effectively blocking out everything else.  I finally lost it at this point and basically fell off my chair so that I could collapse onto him.  He held me like a little child as I cried for a man who never loved me.

February 2009

I was pacing back and forth in the family room after the game, worried that I was going to puke at any minute.  I could tell Patrick’s mind had been on the whole situation because he kept picking up stupid penalties and ended up with a 5 minute fighting major against Jody Shelley.  They won in a shoot-out against the Sharks, but the team was still disappointed with the lack of effort throughout the whole game.

“Hey!” Stafford said as he walked out of the locker room, towards me with a worried smile.  He pulled me into a hug and whispered, “If you need anything, let me know.  I know this must be tough.”

“Drew, you really are a great friend, thank you,” I whispered back and squeezed him one last time before stepping back.

“I thought you weren’t coming tonight?” Ryan asked as he walked out of the locker room, surprised to see me.  He walked over and pulled me into a hug and laid a kiss on my forehead.

I shrugged my shoulders and said, “I got off work early and decided to come down anyway.”

“Good, I’m glad you were here,” he said with a sincere smile.  Things had actually become strained in the last few weeks, mainly because I began distancing myself.  It hurt like hell, but I didn’t know how else to handle everything.  “So do you want to go out tonight?”

“Um, I’d rather just go home.  I think we need to talk,” I said, making sure I looked into his eyes.  I was not going to avoid his gaze.  He was a wonderful person who I cared very much for and I refused to cheat him out of the respect her deserved.

“Okay,” he said as he took my hand reassuringly and squeezed it.  I heard Patrick behind us as he talked with Stafford and I knew he’d be following us shortly.

As soon as we got home, Ryan went upstairs to get a shower and I went into the kitchen and made hot chocolate.  I always made hot chocolate when something was bothering me.

I heard a knock at the door and when I opened it I found Patrick standing there with a furrowed brow, clenching and unclenching his jaw.  I stepped back so that he could come in.  He brushed the snow off his coat and handed it to me.  After hanging his coat on one of the pegs, I turned around to find him standing very close, causing my breath to catch.  I moved past him and he followed me into the kitchen sitting on the other side of the counter as I poured him a cup of the hot chocolate.

“Hey, Patrick!” Ryan said, as he walked into the kitchen with his hair still wet and dripping onto his t-shirt.  “Surprised to see you here,” he said as a confused look crossed his face.  Neither of us said anything, so Ryan walked over poured himself a cup of the hot chocolate and sat down next to me.  “So what’s going on?” he asked quietly.

I looked over at him.

“I know something is wrong because you only make hot chocolate when you are stressed about something.  You’ve been making it every night for a month now and you’ve barely been here with me, even when we are in the house together,” he said sincerely.

I opened my mouth to speak, but Patrick decided he should speak first.  “We’re together, Ryan.”

I still had my mouth open, but quickly closed it as Patrick’s words came out and hurt crossed Ryan’s face.  Ryan didn’t even look over at Patrick, he just stared at me.

“It’s true,” I simply stated.

I watched him take a deep breath and run his fingers through his long hair.  He took a sip of the hot chocolate and we sat there holding our breaths for what seemed to be an eternity of time.  “Somehow I always knew that you two would finally figure it out.  I guess I just hoped you would both stay blind to the fact…”

I looked up at Ryan and reached over to take his hand. “Ryan, I’m so very sorry.”

He gently pulled his hand away from mine and said, “I am too, Emma.  You are a wonderful woman and we were very good together.  I can’t be friends with you right now, but hopefully someday that will change.”  He then looked away from me and across the counter to Patrick.  “I know you will take good care of her, but I ask you not to flaunt it around for a while.  We have to live and work together, so please be mindful of my heart as I have been to yours these last few years.”

Patrick reached his hand across the counter and they shook hands, even though I could tell Ryan was completely torn.  Ryan was a very emotional person and I was one of the few who had seen that side.  I was actually a little surprised that he didn’t lose his cool, but I figured he was keeping it under wraps until we left the house.  I’m sure he’d end up in the basement punching the shit out of his punching bag because I already noticed him flexing his fists as he rested them on the counter.

“I’m going to gather a few of my things tonight and I will come back when you guys go on your road trip in two days to get the rest of my things out of the house,” I said as my tears came to my eyes.  The scraping of the chair across the floor was a deathly sound and my heart beat heavily as I went upstairs to pack my things.  I could hear them talking as I walked down the steps, but they became silence once more when I walked into the kitchen with my bag.

Patrick got up and placed his hand on my shoulder, nodding that he would be waiting for me at his apartment.  After the door to the outside closed behind him, Ryan stood up and walked over to me.

“Thank you for the last 2 years, Emma.  You really are a wonderful woman and I realize this is not how you wanted to end things.  Know that I will always love you.”

I placed my bag on the floor next to us and threw my arms around him as the tears came back into my eyes.  “I’m sorry I couldn’t be happy enough.”

He hugged me back, but it was a stiffer hug than I was used to.  I felt him kiss my hair and he pulled back.

I picked up my bag and walked out of the house I shared with Ryan, never to return again as his fiancé.

November 1998 – after Emma and Patrick’s fight about the baby class project

“Patrick?!” my mom yelled up the steps as I was playing the newest hockey game on my Playstation.

“Yeah?” I yelled back, but no answer came back.  Instead I heard a little tap on my door and watched it slowly open.  I watched as her blonde curls peered around the door and her big blue eyes stared back at me.  “What do you want?”  I snapped, still annoyed that I ended up having to change baby diapers twice already tonight and having to deal with an hour’s worth of crying before I could play my video games.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.  “I will take the baby home with me tonight.”

“It’s not worth it now! I just finally got it to sleep.”

“But I said I’d be your partner and after talking it over with my grandma, I realized I did what my mother did to me and my dad.”

The words of argument that were on my tongue melted away and I ended up staring dumbfounded at Emma.

“So can I take the baby home with me?” she asked, still scared that I was going to go off on her as she walked gingerly towards me.

I hesitated for a moment and then climbed off my bed to grab the other video controller.  I grabbed her hand and pulled her over to my bed as I gave the controller to her.  “You can take the baby home after you play against me in my hockey game.”

Her blue eyes lit up as she reached over and gave me a hug.  “Thanks, Patty!”

I just smiled and said, “Emma?”

“Yeah?”

“You are not like your mother.”

She looked at me and said, “Thank you.”

August 2007 – Dean’s Funeral

I never detested Dean more than on the day of his funeral.  I was crushed to watch Emma as she followed her hateful father’s coffin down the street in her Class-A uniform adorned with black straps on her badges, walking like a soldier as tears streamed down her eyes.

I loathed him because I had to watch his only daughter shed tears over him when he never gave her the love that she deserved.  It left a bad taste in my mouth how  he portrayed himself as such a good man when I knew the real man that fathered such a wonderful woman.  At home he was the abusive father that beat his child when he was drunk.  Here, in the city of Buffalo he had been recognized as a hero for his good deeds throughout the department.  At home he was the son who never gave to shits about his mother when she got sick.  Here, he was a man that everyone admired and was the model “brother” to his colleagues. 

There was a large funeral procession that left from the beautiful St. Paul’s Cathedral on

Pearl St.

and moved along to Sta. 1 on

Ellicott St.

, Dean’s home station that he had been assigned to for the 30 years he worked for the department. Firefighters from all over the country were present along with the bag pipes and flowers being tossed onto the streets. 

Emma asked Charlie and me to walk behind her at the head of the procession.  Charlie was closer to being Emma’s father than Dean ever was.  He was actually Dean’s best friend, but he didn’t wear the rose colored glasses many of the others had seemed to do.  Charlie always looked out for Emma and I think he had requested to have Emma under his supervision at the station, even though he would never admit that to her.  I felt a little awkward walking in such a proceeding, but Emma insisted and of course I would do anything to support her.  My mom had made a comment the day before when I was over to eat dinner, about how it was odd Emmy didn’t ask Ryan to also walk along with us.  Of course I already knew that Emma hadn’t let herself fully open up to Ryan. 

“You know, I never understand what is really up with the two of you,” she said.

“What do you mean?” I asked, fully knowing what she was saying, but totally wanting to hear her opinion.

She just looked at me with the all-knowing-mommy look and said, “If there were two people actually made for each other, it would be you two.  I think God molded you both and said, ‘Patrick and Emma are like my Adam and Eve who won’t fail Me this time.’”

I held up my hands as I left out a snort, “I hope the whole weight of the world isn’t on our shoulders, cuz I can’t promise the whole non-sinning part if Emma and I ever do get together.”

Mom exploded with laughter as she threw a dish towel at my head.

I smiled slightly to myself as I thought back on the conversation but was brought back to reality as I watched her get another tissue out of her pocket to wipe her face with.  A couple times as we walked, I wanted to run up and walk beside her so that I could hold her hand, but she had told me in the beginning of the procession that she would be fine and had to do this one last thing, hoping her father would be in Heaven, finally proud of her bravery.

Once again, Emma made the front page of the paper.  A large picture of her holding her head up high as the tears streamed down her sweet face adorned the cover and on page 2 of the funeral coverage was a reprint of the picture that had been printed of her so long ago when her dad received his award for saving that family.  In the background I could be seen in my all black suit, standing alongside Charlie, staring worriedly up at her.

This time no words were exchanged about making the front page, instead I ripped the picture and article out of the paper and placed it in the box of other important things I had kept over the years.  It felt like I was effectively closing the chapter of Dean and his hatefulness as I put the lid back on the box, placing it back in my closet in the bedroom of my parent’s home.

Don’t worry Dean; I’ll be the man you never were for her.